The day that never came

Right. So I have been out of action for long enough to not remember what its like to write a 300 word article which offends at least half of the people who read it. A lot of shit has gone down since the last time I wrote, Obama became the first black president, Osama on the other hand, got his shit handed to him. India was terrorized more times than I care to count. The whole Anna Hazare thing led to a 10 million man march online (of course). One open letter by a racist, PMS-ing, insufficiently laid woman almost caused a war on the internet. But the top of my list has to be when all the chicks on Facebook suddenly decided to put an end to the question 'which is the dumber sex?' once and for all by putting up their bra colors as their status messages. Good work ladies, all of us are totally aware of breast cancer now - along with your color preferences.

There was also a time when I briefly developed a certain level of respect of Shahrukh Khan for his candid interviews or perhaps because there was no new movie coming out to piss me off. All that changed 6 months ago when he decided that the only way to create hype about a movie is by shoving it down people's throats. But enough jokes have been cracked about Ra.One and whatever I have to say has probably been said before. Much like this movie.

What has really pissed me off enough to write again is the Metallica's lack of fuck-giving for India (Or fans in general). Now, I am one of the 25000 odd people staring blankly at screens just to confirm the inevitable cancellation of the Metallica concert. Most of the people who weren't there are still wondering - what went wrong? And the media is feeding them the usual stereotypical Delhi/Haryana rowdy crowd routine. Its DNA's fault. Simple as that. And partly Metallica's to not even showing up and having the fucking decency to apologize for the crowd - a good 60 percent of which has been at the venue for more than 6 hours forced to buy overpriced cigarettes (which were banned according to the ticket) and shitty Fasttrax burgers and cola - All this with not a single stall selling bottled water.

Metallica - Seen here not giving a fuck.

There was more security for Omar Abdullah's 2 children present at the venue than the whole jam-packed ground. And that is not an exaggeration. So you take a ground full of enthusiastic people, some of whom have been virtually waiting their whole life for an opportunity to see their favorite band perform, you make them wait with no real announcements except for 'take two steps back while we magically transform the cardboard strength barricade into adamantium'. Piss them off even more by threatening them that there'll be no concert on the next day either and then expect the crowd to be chilled out by the end of it?

I would love to find out one country where a crowd of 15000 metal fans (not counting the 10000 who confused the gig for a Mika night/Anna Hazare protests/just another chance for some good old groping) are treated with such disdain with no angry response from the crowd. Not many care for their money back. We've all downloaded more than Rs 2750 worth of Metallica music alone anyway. But how fucking ironical it is for a Bangalore company to completely fuck up, not apologize about fucking up and Delhi crowd being blamed at the end of day for feeling wronged. The only thing I blame the Delhi crowd for is for being the tamest group of Metal fans in the history of the world (Fans are supposed to be bashing each other up in mosh pits when happy; one can only imagine the extent of damage when we're enraged). Lets face it, Delhi has more than its share of wannabes and intellectually-challenged-testosterone-laden-'Being human T shirt'-wearing-misogynists, but they weren't the crowd at the concert.

Lets end this with a joke then,

Q: What do you call thousands of people with nothing to do on a Friday night except for updating their Facebook statuses about how Metallica fans have nothing to do?

A: Cunts

PS - The news reports are fucking biased - the angry 'mob' was no more than 25 people out of the 25000 present at the ground. A mere 0.1 percent. Youtube it.

Drinking advice from a teetotaller

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I know it might seem hypocritical, but the following is going to be best drinking advice you're ever gonna get in your lives so read carefully. Here are a few 'observations' that you might want to keep in mind while going to the bar the next time around


1. Beer is manliness.

This one's actually quite simple and well known. In simple words - If drinks were people, then beer would be Chuck Norris. The stronger beer a person prefers the manlier he is (or in the case of women - the harder the beer, the 'bolder' she is). Children in sub-Saharan Africa region are living a more meaningful life than you if you prefer a fruit punch over a chilled strong beer. I can go on and on about how beer stands for everything masculine in this world, but then it would become redundant or I might end my dry spree.

Chebyshev's real theorem.

2. No, Whiskey is manliness


Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink should be treated as holy water. Develop your taste for this divine liquid and see how it improves your non-existent life! It might be hard for you sissy boys at first so add some water/soda to begin with and slowly increase the alcohol to other liquid ratio. If you add cola you might as well put an umbrella on it and wear a long skirt so your panties don't show. 50% whiskey concentration is acceptable in most cultures, make it 70 just to be on the safer side.

Whiskey: reminding us of the good life.

3. Real men don't take drinks with little umbrellas on top.


Write this one down on a small piece of paper and keep in under your pillow or inside your wallet for the rest of your life. If the name of the drink is fancy or girly (notable examples include 'Sex on the Beach', 'Screw me Blue' etc) then it's NOT a drink worth buying. Real men drink real drinks (Beer, Whiskey, Rum, Brandy etc). Just because peach schnapps has some alcohol in it does not qualify it as an alcoholic beverage. It has its place in the great wide world of booze, but mixed up with 18 other fruit-flavored alcohols and garnished with a paper umbrella and stupid name ain’t it. Also, frozen drinks should be banned. You're buying liquor, not smoothies. (This doesn't apply if you are a member of NAMBLA or any related organisation.)

The best way to say: ''I'm a raging homosexual''

4. Breezer is NOT booze.



It's expensive, it looks fancy and it might seem cool to have an seemingly alcoholic beverage in your hands while you are dancing away to your favourite Boyzone track, but for the last time- Breezer is not real booze anymore than Nepal is a real country! It's just a colddrink sold in a liquor bottle to satisfy the egos of whoever drinks it while keeping intact their fragile wit. Whenever a Breezer is sold a little part of me dies away and I am forced to say a prayer for the future of mankind as a species.


5. Watch the Talk.

Okay so you are 6 whiskeys down and suddenly the world looks like a happy place. But that doesn't mean that you start discussing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theory or your sexual escapades with your best friend in public(you're not fooling anyone with the whole 'we were experimenting' bullshit.). Use that mouth for drinking (or puking if the situation so requires) and you'll do just fine which takes me to my next point.

6. Nobody's impressed by how much you can drink, asshole!


Seriously now, you've got more chance of fixing the helium leak in the CERN atomic collider's tunnel all by yourself than impressing a worthwhile girl by guzzling down gallons of beer in front of her. It's not even worth trying, because failing would lead to disaster and ruin any chance you might have in scoring with a chick. Think of it this way - If a thick wallet means you're a babe magnet, puke is the biggest woman repellent in the world.

Way to go, ASSHOLE!

7. Wines are double edged.

Let's face it, it's more than cool to know a few names and tastes of expensive wines, who knows when you might need it. It can save you a lot of money and it can stop you from drinking grape flavored horse-pee. But, rely on the experts if you're not sure because if you celebrate your anniversary with a grape-vinegar mixture for wine, trust me- it'll be your last!

There are a lot more tips like refraining from submitting your will to alcohol if you somehow become incharge of the music at the party (let's face it - you don't know shit about music and no-one cares for your silly regional songs that only you understand.) or treating the bartenders with respect(you don't them to pee in your drink now, do you?), but I guess this is enough guidance for one post!

PS - If you think I've pussied down the blog then go fuck yourself.

PS 2 - Yeah I take 4 months to write 7 drinking tips, eat me!

How to be KEWL

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So I’ve kind of been out of action for a while. Which translates into ‘I’ve got a life outside of the internet’ or maybe ‘I couldn’t think of anything to write about’. Anyway, after more than 2 months of laziness I’m back to bring some joy in your otherwise boring life.

Being kewl isn’t easy. It requires constant rigour and dedication. But worry not, I’ve compiled a list a simple steps which will make you the kewlest dewd in your block (as long as your neighbours don’t read this page).

The Attire

‘Clothes maketh the man.’ Yes this is a sexist quote. Sue me. Anyway, this is the first step on the path to be kewl. Go and see all the latest movies and buy whatever Saif Ali Khan or Akshay Kumar wore in their flicks. If those shirts fit their toned bodies perfectly, it should fit your amputated lump of mass too! The poncho looked good on Rani Mukherji? Well it should have no problems in covering your over-sized manly frame either! Don’t worry about the stares when you wear your favourite orange cargos. The people are just jealous. Added accessories like a fake Rolex or Prada
shades are encouraged too. Just make sure it’s night when you put the glares on.

The Accent

This one is a bit tough, but you got to work hard to be a kewl dewd. Just keep watching Hollywood flicks even if you can’t make out a word of it. Learn to speak like them even if it means you have to make extra special efforts and roll your tongue like a retard while speaking. It looks cool! Trust me. If the words sound completely unnatural and stupid while coming out of that shit-hole you call your mouth, you are successful. Try working in a call center for a couple of months if you really want to be good at it.

The Lingo

Now that you know how to speak, you should know WHAT to speak too. Go watch all the latest Bollywood crap again and this time learn the dialogues. Repeat all the funny popular catchphrases until you make them so cheap that people start puking the next time they see the original thing on TV. Shitty MTV programs also help this cause. Just remember- hit movie dialogues, no matter how old or stupid, never go out of fashion. For example-‘’ Bade bade shehero mein choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai’’ and ‘‘Yeh haath mujhe de de thakur.’’

Spell everything wrong while chatting on the internet (or everywhere) even if it technically doesn’t save you time (as is the common rationale behind using improper English). Common examples – ‘krazy’ ‘skewl’ etc

The Swagger

This is slightly tricky. Swagger doesn’t naturally come to everyone. But to be a kewl dewd- the swagger is of utmost importance. Just try walking in middle of the road as if you own the world and you don’t care if the car behind you crushes your spinal cord and leaves you paralysed for the rest of your sexless life.

The Entertainment

This is a very important criterion. Your friends are stupid and shallow (just like you), so they’ll judge you not by what kind of person you are, but by your entertainment preferences. So pretend to like ‘englis’ music even when you can’t make the heads and tails of it. Learn some popular band names and keep telling everyone that you are their biggest fan. Buy posters, T-shirts and other merchandise of some band from the sixties and you’ll do just fine. Remember- if it’s popular, it’s good. Pretend to like all critics' favourites like Mother India and Khamosh Pani (Nobody cares if you understand the socio-political messages or statements, hell no-one gives a flying fuck if you don’t know what socio-political means).

And yes- pretend to like cartoons. Even if you are 43 and work in 4X4’’ cubicle in some call center and your biggest aspiration in life is to somehow be in the top 5 cardboard salesmen of the floor and get some extra incentives, just use shitty phrases like ‘I’m a child at heart’ because girls might find it cute. Also ,watch MTV all the time, even though they might repeat the same Roadies' episode 18 times a week. Make the contestants celebrities and discuss their strategies and plans every fucking second. That means you never run out of conversation, ever.

Political Views

Kewl people have no political views. If you know about politics, you aren't kewl.

Hobbies

Pretend to like any sport other than Cricket. Because cricket is for the masses and even though you are nothing more than just another face in the crowd- you want to feel ‘special’. Learning some footballers’ names should get you through.

Write bad poetry. And then write more bad poetry. Writing bad poetry is easy when you disregard meter, pace, and rhyming scheme. Just make sure to follow a few simple guidelines:

1. Never write about anything happy and cheerful.
2. Be sure to use the following words at least once per sentence, no fewer than 50 times per poem: lament, loathe, soul, darkness, bitter, agony, despair, misery, anguish, pain, suffer, woe, hate, death, love, sultry, angel, rose, acrid and nihilism. Nihilism is a good one because it comes up all the time in normal conversations.

It's easy, here's a sample.:

Fire of misery in death
sultry lament of a dark essence
nihilistic angel, acrid suffering
anguish in darkness my lover.

notice the constant lower case? i added that touch to be special. special people type in lower case all the fucking time.

The Internet

Did you go like ‘’Bt Mynk, I alreddy did al dat n i stil dnt hv ne frnds, LOL’’ after reading the paras above? Well, social networking is your solution. Just throw away the semblance of a normal social life you have now and sit on the internet 24 hours a day. Make profiles on Orkut and Facebook and other websites and try to search to internet for witty and catchy stuff (since we’ve already established that your IQ ranges somewhere between a shoelace and an Orangutan). Famous quotes by Einstein or Dave Chappelle should work. Use all the character space allowed to write about how you don’t like to brag about yourself and don’t forget to add that you like ‘having fun’ and ‘hanging out’ (because that makes you unique) and write as much as you can in the 'about me' section of your profile since everyone on the fucking internet wants to know more about you.

Once the profile is complete, Start sending friend requests to every girl on the internet. Add Brazilian or European girls even if you don’t understand one word of their language and you don’t know horse shit about their culture. Join stupid communites or online groups with over 1 lakh members and you'll find more imbeciles and social rejects like yourself. Add them as friends and voila! You have more people in your friendlist now!

Congrats! You are a KEWL DEWD now. Go and waste your life and do this country a favour- get a vasectomy.

The word kewl was invented by jobless chatters trying to showcase their ‘creativity’ and gain some self-worth by spelling it phonetically (Yes, that’s how they pronounce it). Quit using it.

I hope they invent a cure for DUMB!

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This is not one of my usual rants that I make every other month or so. This post is a disclaimer.

I am removing the 'comment' section in this page. Because I have realised that most people who come to this page aren't the sharpest tools in the box (to say the least).

Any comment/opinion/bullshit is still welcome but on my personal E-Mail. No more polluting this page.

Now the disclaimer- If you choose to email me- you give me the right to post the full content of the mail and your E-mail address on my blog. I also get to publicly humiliate you and beat your children if I get the time. XD

Movies that boil my blood.

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Ever watched a movie so shitty that you felt like kicking a kid in the nuts just to vent the frustration out? On top of that just when you start talking about how you could have utilised that time by doing some research on Global Warming or going through my blog, you realise everyone's busy drooling about the 'spectacle' they just witnessed and are gearing up to kiss the director's ass.

Well then you are at the right place.

Here's a list of shitty movies that all the morons love


Mother India

Now, I have seen like 20 minutes of this crap and I was choking to death before I somehow managed the strength to turn the TV off. The thing I hate the most is the losers who haven't even seen this film go like - ''Hey, they don't make films like Mother India anymore''. Of course not you assholes and there's a good reason too! Its no wonder that India didn't develop too much at that time period. The people were so damn stupid.

Rating:
Story - Depressing
Music - Depressing
Acting - Depressing
Direction - Wait for it ... DEPRESSING

Remarks - There wasn't any hottie in the industry before Helen.


Pretty Woman

Now, this is another one of the movies that everyone likes just for the sake of it. Its one of the most absurd plots I have ever seen (and believe me I have seen many). Its about some millionaire who hires this hooker and ends up falling in love with her. It would've been bearable if it were left to this but they had to add some bullshit about the millionaire learning moral lessons from her(along with the sex lessons) and changing his business(and losing a lot of money in the process). A slut with a heart of gold! Now that's original! There's even a scene when Jason Alexander(George Costanza from Seinfeld) calls her a hooker and makes her an offer out of his generosity and she goes ''Ooohh I feel so cheap''. Yes you are cheap you fucking whore. Go suck on some dick.

Rating:
Story - Yawn
Acting - Sluts can't act
Music - Bearable

Remarks - For a movie which has a hooker as lead - there isn't enough sex. (A bit of violence would've been okay too)




Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

One of the biggest hits of Bollywood. 3 and a half hours of bullshit packed with the obnoxious song and dance routine. And its not even just this movie that I hate, its all the shitty movies inspired by this nonsense that gets on my nerves. 'HAHK was very influential and inspired young filmmakers such as Aditya Chopra and Karan Johar' (wikipedia)

Do I need to explain further? No rating for this disaster. You suck.

Golmaal(2006)

Now I know this movie isn't big enough to fit in this elite pack but the sheer fact that people now refer to the 1979 classic as the 'old golmaal' is a downright insult. The most cliched plot with the most cliched characters with some not-so-witty dialogue and we have one of the biggest hits of 2006. I haven't even seen half of this movie but the amount of shit they spewed was enough to make me puke. And they are even making a sequel to this travesty. Do yourself a favour - Don't watch it.

Rating:
Story - Same old bullshit in the same old package

Acting - Three out of four actors playing college passouts are over 30. So yeah - there was some acting.

Music - I still haven't figured why the title song was a hit. Its a collection of shitty songs and shittier remixes.

Remarks - Ajay Devgan is better playing real characters like in Zakhm or Gangajal. You are not 35 anymore Ajay.


Jab We Met

The thing I hate most about this movie is that nobody wants to acknowledge that this is most cliched story in the history of bollywood. Made popular by teenage bubble gum swallowing drama queens- this is a live example of how something so insanely stupid can be made so god damn popular. Fuck the pop-culture. And don't you start typing ''but maynk, d screenplay n da muzik ws gud, lol''. First of all, lets make one thing clear - You can't tell screenplay(or direction or any other pseudo technical term) from your own asshole, asshole! Don't flatter yourself.And as far as the music goes - if you like it so much - go download! Or turn the radio on, it only plays that bullshit you love so much.

Rating:
Story - New bottle- old shit.


Acting - Don't give me that crap about Kareena's 'inspired performance' or the on-screen chemistry between the two leads. Its just a glorified term for overacting. Shahid was still okay.

Music - Already mentioned.

Remarks - Kareena is an evil condescending bitch who should be shot dead.

Kill the cupid

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Now, if you are an ugly bitch with low self esteem and no real friends who relies on movies like Jab We Met and 'occasions' like Valentine's Day to get some hope for love in your pathetic existence that you call your life, then stop reading right now.

I hate Valentine's Day. I hate everything about this bloody month starting from rose day to slap day to whatever ... So while all the 'happy' people will be out hugging, kissing and exchanging heart shaped balloons on the V day, I'd be sitting at home killing aliens or destroying civilisations on my PC.

Why do you call it Valentine's Day anyway? You morons should call it the Archies day! Just some bullshit propagated by the media to make you buy a pile of shit for someone who supposedly love. I know you wanna get to make out with your chick and you gotta give her gifts for that shit but you can do it any friggin' day of the year you morons. I once saw this kewl dewd buying all this crap for some stupid bitch and she got all wet and went ''Ooooooohhh!! How romantic'' and then they started making out in front of everyone. I'd have kicked his ass but I was too busy taping it.

And 'hopeless romantics' should be killed. Not just killed, but mutilated. They are not hopelessly romantic they are just hopeless and yet somehow I find them everywhere I look. It’s because of those dickheads why Jab We Met grossed whatever it did at the box office.

Now, I don't hate Valentine's because no girl would ever go out with me (though that doesn't help) But the damn advertising and publicity! I'd rather hang around with the Shiv Sainiks to beat the shit out of those mushy idiots at malls and parks. Also, I hate cupids, I see their pictures everywhere smiling down on me - judging me with those small cold eyes. It keeps me up at times, the more I think about it - the more I realise its not the cupids I hate, its you shitheads who buy all this crap. Die, motherfuckers.

PS - If you think that I can't take criticism then I think you are ugly.

'Nuff said.

Children going violent? Blame entertainment!

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So once again I am a bit late on the news but hey- I have a life!

Now after watching 17 million repeat telecasts of the not-so-special reports about the school shootout in Gurgaon I realised that the media is fucking biased. They are blaming changing lifestyle, music and video games for this increase in aggression in children. They pay some loser psychologists or psychiatrists[I don't know the difference :D] to say some bullshit about spending time with children and loving them to prevent such incidents. What's worse is- some morons even buy this bullshit. Children don't need more love! They need stricter parents. They need some real ass whooping when they go out of line, and most importantly-They need the fucking loaded gun to be kept away from their fucking reach!!

Why the fuck are they blaming the video games anyway? Does anyone really believe that playing games like GTA and Counterstrike will make the kids go on a shooting spree?Or when they listen to some punkass rockband singing about nihilism they wanna end the world? Or watching Tom Cruise blow up some shit make them wanna do the same? I'll tell you what invokes violence in me. When I see the same sob-story being repeated on the same sets by the same actors on different channels or when I hear morons walking the streets singing dard-e-disco or some Himesh shit.

They say music can alter moods and talk to you
But can it load a gun for you and cock it too?
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault, and i'll get sued

-Eminem


Doesn't make sense to you? Try reading it slowly.

Quit blaming things around you and own up to your mistakes. Kids are going out of hands because you are too much of a pussy to give 'em a beatdown. Think of it this way-the kids learn a valuable lesson and you get that workout that you don't have the time for! If you still can't- send them to me. I'll be happy to beat your children.



PS- Someone kill this guy already.



He's so fucking ugly and that's reason enough.Though, I find hangings too boring. Maybe they can lynch him in front of a huge crowd and feed his balls to crows or Himesh. Yeah that would rock. If you don't know who this ass is, don't bother. I got some shit email from some overly concerned friend to sign some shit petition to stop this asshole's hanging. But someone who looks this ugly shouldn't even be tried.