Friday, February 15, 2008

Movies that boil my blood.


Ever watched a movie so shitty that you felt like kicking a kid in the nuts just to vent the frustration out? On top of that just when you start talking about how you could have utilised that time by doing some research on Global Warming or going through my blog, you realise everyone's busy drooling about the 'spectacle' they just witnessed and are gearing up to kiss the director's ass.

Well then you are at the right place.

Here's a list of shitty movies that all the morons love

Mother India

Now, I have seen like 20 minutes of this crap and I was choking to death before I somehow managed the strength to turn the TV off. The thing I hate the most is the losers who haven't even seen this film go like - ''Hey, they don't make films like Mother India anymore''. Of course not you assholes and there's a good reason too! Its no wonder that India didn't develop too much at that time period. The people were so damn stupid.

Story - Depressing
Music - Depressing
Acting - Depressing
Direction - Wait for it ... DEPRESSING

Remarks - There wasn't any hottie in the industry before Helen.

Pretty Woman

Now, this is another one of the movies that everyone likes just for the sake of it. Its one of the most absurd plots I have ever seen (and believe me I have seen many). Its about some millionaire who hires this hooker and ends up falling in love with her. It would've been bearable if it were left to this but they had to add some bullshit about the millionaire learning moral lessons from her(along with the sex lessons) and changing his business(and losing a lot of money in the process). A slut with a heart of gold! Now that's original! There's even a scene when Jason Alexander(George Costanza from Seinfeld) calls her a hooker and makes her an offer out of his generosity and she goes ''Ooohh I feel so cheap''. Yes you are cheap you fucking whore. Go suck on some dick.

Story - Yawn
Acting - Sluts can't act
Music - Bearable

Remarks - For a movie which has a hooker as lead - there isn't enough sex. (A bit of violence would've been okay too)

Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

One of the biggest hits of Bollywood. 3 and a half hours of bullshit packed with the obnoxious song and dance routine. And its not even just this movie that I hate, its all the shitty movies inspired by this nonsense that gets on my nerves. 'HAHK was very influential and inspired young filmmakers such as Aditya Chopra and Karan Johar' (wikipedia)

Do I need to explain further? No rating for this disaster. You suck.


Now I know this movie isn't big enough to fit in this elite pack but the sheer fact that people now refer to the 1979 classic as the 'old golmaal' is a downright insult. The most cliched plot with the most cliched characters with some not-so-witty dialogue and we have one of the biggest hits of 2006. I haven't even seen half of this movie but the amount of shit they spewed was enough to make me puke. And they are even making a sequel to this travesty. Do yourself a favour - Don't watch it.

Story - Same old bullshit in the same old package

Acting - Three out of four actors playing college passouts are over 30. So yeah - there was some acting.

Music - I still haven't figured why the title song was a hit. Its a collection of shitty songs and shittier remixes.

Remarks - Ajay Devgan is better playing real characters like in Zakhm or Gangajal. You are not 35 anymore Ajay.

Jab We Met

The thing I hate most about this movie is that nobody wants to acknowledge that this is most cliched story in the history of bollywood. Made popular by teenage bubble gum swallowing drama queens- this is a live example of how something so insanely stupid can be made so god damn popular. Fuck the pop-culture. And don't you start typing ''but maynk, d screenplay n da muzik ws gud, lol''. First of all, lets make one thing clear - You can't tell screenplay(or direction or any other pseudo technical term) from your own asshole, asshole! Don't flatter yourself.And as far as the music goes - if you like it so much - go download! Or turn the radio on, it only plays that bullshit you love so much.

Story - New bottle- old shit.

Acting - Don't give me that crap about Kareena's 'inspired performance' or the on-screen chemistry between the two leads. Its just a glorified term for overacting. Shahid was still okay.

Music - Already mentioned.

Remarks - Kareena is an evil condescending bitch who should be shot dead.