Wednesday, May 28, 2008

How to be KEWL


So I’ve kind of been out of action for a while. Which translates into ‘I’ve got a life outside of the internet’ or maybe ‘I couldn’t think of anything to write about’. Anyway, after more than 2 months of laziness I’m back to bring some joy in your otherwise boring life.

Being kewl isn’t easy. It requires constant rigour and dedication. But worry not, I’ve compiled a list a simple steps which will make you the kewlest dewd in your block (as long as your neighbours don’t read this page).

The Attire

‘Clothes maketh the man.’ Yes this is a sexist quote. Sue me. Anyway, this is the first step on the path to be kewl. Go and see all the latest movies and buy whatever Saif Ali Khan or Akshay Kumar wore in their flicks. If those shirts fit their toned bodies perfectly, it should fit your amputated lump of mass too! The poncho looked good on Rani Mukherji? Well it should have no problems in covering your over-sized manly frame either! Don’t worry about the stares when you wear your favourite orange cargos. The people are just jealous. Added accessories like a fake Rolex or Prada
shades are encouraged too. Just make sure it’s night when you put the glares on.

The Accent

This one is a bit tough, but you got to work hard to be a kewl dewd. Just keep watching Hollywood flicks even if you can’t make out a word of it. Learn to speak like them even if it means you have to make extra special efforts and roll your tongue like a retard while speaking. It looks cool! Trust me. If the words sound completely unnatural and stupid while coming out of that shit-hole you call your mouth, you are successful. Try working in a call center for a couple of months if you really want to be good at it.

The Lingo

Now that you know how to speak, you should know WHAT to speak too. Go watch all the latest Bollywood crap again and this time learn the dialogues. Repeat all the funny popular catchphrases until you make them so cheap that people start puking the next time they see the original thing on TV. Shitty MTV programs also help this cause. Just remember- hit movie dialogues, no matter how old or stupid, never go out of fashion. For example-‘’ Bade bade shehero mein choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai’’ and ‘‘Yeh haath mujhe de de thakur.’’

Spell everything wrong while chatting on the internet (or everywhere) even if it technically doesn’t save you time (as is the common rationale behind using improper English). Common examples – ‘krazy’ ‘skewl’ etc

The Swagger

This is slightly tricky. Swagger doesn’t naturally come to everyone. But to be a kewl dewd- the swagger is of utmost importance. Just try walking in middle of the road as if you own the world and you don’t care if the car behind you crushes your spinal cord and leaves you paralysed for the rest of your sexless life.

The Entertainment

This is a very important criterion. Your friends are stupid and shallow (just like you), so they’ll judge you not by what kind of person you are, but by your entertainment preferences. So pretend to like ‘englis’ music even when you can’t make the heads and tails of it. Learn some popular band names and keep telling everyone that you are their biggest fan. Buy posters, T-shirts and other merchandise of some band from the sixties and you’ll do just fine. Remember- if it’s popular, it’s good. Pretend to like all critics' favourites like Mother India and Khamosh Pani (Nobody cares if you understand the socio-political messages or statements, hell no-one gives a flying fuck if you don’t know what socio-political means).

And yes- pretend to like cartoons. Even if you are 43 and work in 4X4’’ cubicle in some call center and your biggest aspiration in life is to somehow be in the top 5 cardboard salesmen of the floor and get some extra incentives, just use shitty phrases like ‘I’m a child at heart’ because girls might find it cute. Also ,watch MTV all the time, even though they might repeat the same Roadies' episode 18 times a week. Make the contestants celebrities and discuss their strategies and plans every fucking second. That means you never run out of conversation, ever.

Political Views

Kewl people have no political views. If you know about politics, you aren't kewl.


Pretend to like any sport other than Cricket. Because cricket is for the masses and even though you are nothing more than just another face in the crowd- you want to feel ‘special’. Learning some footballers’ names should get you through.

Write bad poetry. And then write more bad poetry. Writing bad poetry is easy when you disregard meter, pace, and rhyming scheme. Just make sure to follow a few simple guidelines:

1. Never write about anything happy and cheerful.
2. Be sure to use the following words at least once per sentence, no fewer than 50 times per poem: lament, loathe, soul, darkness, bitter, agony, despair, misery, anguish, pain, suffer, woe, hate, death, love, sultry, angel, rose, acrid and nihilism. Nihilism is a good one because it comes up all the time in normal conversations.

It's easy, here's a sample.:

Fire of misery in death
sultry lament of a dark essence
nihilistic angel, acrid suffering
anguish in darkness my lover.

notice the constant lower case? i added that touch to be special. special people type in lower case all the fucking time.

The Internet

Did you go like ‘’Bt Mynk, I alreddy did al dat n i stil dnt hv ne frnds, LOL’’ after reading the paras above? Well, social networking is your solution. Just throw away the semblance of a normal social life you have now and sit on the internet 24 hours a day. Make profiles on Orkut and Facebook and other websites and try to search to internet for witty and catchy stuff (since we’ve already established that your IQ ranges somewhere between a shoelace and an Orangutan). Famous quotes by Einstein or Dave Chappelle should work. Use all the character space allowed to write about how you don’t like to brag about yourself and don’t forget to add that you like ‘having fun’ and ‘hanging out’ (because that makes you unique) and write as much as you can in the 'about me' section of your profile since everyone on the fucking internet wants to know more about you.

Once the profile is complete, Start sending friend requests to every girl on the internet. Add Brazilian or European girls even if you don’t understand one word of their language and you don’t know horse shit about their culture. Join stupid communites or online groups with over 1 lakh members and you'll find more imbeciles and social rejects like yourself. Add them as friends and voila! You have more people in your friendlist now!

Congrats! You are a KEWL DEWD now. Go and waste your life and do this country a favour- get a vasectomy.

The word kewl was invented by jobless chatters trying to showcase their ‘creativity’ and gain some self-worth by spelling it phonetically (Yes, that’s how they pronounce it). Quit using it.