Saturday, September 27, 2008

Drinking advice from a teetotaller


I know it might seem hypocritical, but the following is going to be best drinking advice you're ever gonna get in your lives so read carefully. Here are a few 'observations' that you might want to keep in mind while going to the bar the next time around

1. Beer is manliness.

This one's actually quite simple and well known. In simple words - If drinks were people, then beer would be Chuck Norris. The stronger beer a person prefers the manlier he is (or in the case of women - the harder the beer, the 'bolder' she is). Children in sub-Saharan Africa region are living a more meaningful life than you if you prefer a fruit punch over a chilled strong beer. I can go on and on about how beer stands for everything masculine in this world, but then it would become redundant or I might end my dry spree.

Chebyshev's real theorem.

2. No, Whiskey is manliness

Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink should be treated as holy water. Develop your taste for this divine liquid and see how it improves your non-existent life! It might be hard for you sissy boys at first so add some water/soda to begin with and slowly increase the alcohol to other liquid ratio. If you add cola you might as well put an umbrella on it and wear a long skirt so your panties don't show. 50% whiskey concentration is acceptable in most cultures, make it 70 just to be on the safer side.
Whiskey: reminding us of the good life.

3. Real men don't take drinks with little umbrellas on top.

Write this one down on a small piece of paper and keep in under your pillow or inside your wallet for the rest of your life. If the name of the drink is fancy or girly (notable examples include 'Sex on the Beach', 'Screw me Blue' etc) then it's NOT a drink worth buying. Real men drink real drinks (Beer, Whiskey, Rum, Brandy etc). Just because peach schnapps has some alcohol in it does not qualify it as an alcoholic beverage. It has its place in the great wide world of booze, but mixed up with 18 other fruit-flavored alcohols and garnished with a paper umbrella and stupid name ain’t it. Also, frozen drinks should be banned. You're buying liquor, not smoothies. (This doesn't apply if you are a member of NAMBLA or any related organisation.)

The best way to say: ''I'm a raging homosexual''

4. Breezer is NOT booze.

It's expensive, it looks fancy and it might seem cool to have an seemingly alcoholic beverage in your hands while you are dancing away to your favourite Boyzone track, but for the last time- Breezer is not real booze anymore than Nepal is a real country! It's just a colddrink sold in a liquor bottle to satisfy the egos of whoever drinks it while keeping intact their fragile wit. Whenever a Breezer is sold a little part of me dies away and I am forced to say a prayer for the future of mankind as a species.

5. Watch the Talk.

Okay so you are 6 whiskeys down and suddenly the world looks like a happy place. But that doesn't mean that you start discussing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theory or your sexual escapades with your best friend in public(you're not fooling anyone with the whole 'we were experimenting' bullshit.). Use that mouth for drinking (or puking if the situation so requires) and you'll do just fine which takes me to my next point.

6. Nobody's impressed by how much you can drink, asshole!

Seriously now, you've got more chance of fixing the helium leak in the CERN atomic collider's tunnel all by yourself than impressing a worthwhile girl by guzzling down gallons of beer in front of her. It's not even worth trying, because failing would lead to disaster and ruin any chance you might have in scoring with a chick. Think of it this way - If a thick wallet means you're a babe magnet, puke is the biggest woman repellent in the world.

Way to go, ASSHOLE!

7. Wines are double edged.

Let's face it, it's more than cool to know a few names and tastes of expensive wines, who knows when you might need it. It can save you a lot of money and it can stop you from drinking grape flavored horse-pee. But, rely on the experts if you're not sure because if you celebrate your anniversary with a grape-vinegar mixture for wine, trust me- it'll be your last!

There are a lot more tips like refraining from submitting your will to alcohol if you somehow become incharge of the music at the party (let's face it - you don't know shit about music and no-one cares for your silly regional songs that only you understand.) or treating the bartenders with respect(you don't them to pee in your drink now, do you?), but I guess this is enough guidance for one post!

PS - If you think I've pussied down the blog then go fuck yourself.

PS 2 - Yeah I take 4 months to write 7 drinking tips, eat me!